Stalling for Nachos
by foshizzlemyrizzle
Summary: After solving a long and difficult case, Jane and Maura just want a little alone time. Then things get a little wacky. Written after a suggestion from polotiz following my use of some marijuana metaphors. Or something. Yeah, it's a pot fic. Rizzles. Humour. Chapter 3 is probably rated M. Nominated for Best Comedy - 2015 RIZZLES FAN AWARDS
1. Chapter 1

Title: Stalling for Nachos

By: foshizzlemyrizzle

Summary: After solving a long and difficult case, Jane and Maura just want a little alone time. Then things get a little wacky. Written after a suggestion from polotiz following my use of some marijuana metaphors. Or something. Yeah, it's a pot fic. Rizzles. Humour.

Rating: T, I guess. I will change it if things get too raunchy.

Spoilers: I don't think so. You should be able to follow if you have seen an episode or two. And ship rizzles.

R&amp;I R&amp;I R&amp;I

The door to the ladies' room at the Dirty Robber eases open. Dr. Maura Isles enters followed closely by Det. Jane Rizzoli. They scan the room and search the stalls to verify that they have the room to themselves. Jane places an 'out of order' sign on the door of the last stall, then opens it with a courtly bow for Maura.

"You stole that sign off the jukebox," Maura teases as she enters the small space and sets her purse atop the extra paper rolls on the toilet's tank.

"I didn't steal it," Jane protests as she follows Maura inside and locks the door. "It hasn't left the premises. I just relocated it. No one will try to play music anyway with the game blasting over the sound system."

Maura turns around and smiles at Jane. "I missed you," she whispers. She traces a finger down the front of Jane's shirt, then grabs her belt, pulling Jane closer.

"I missed you, too," Jane answers, wrapping her arms around Maura's waist. "How long has it been since we had more than two minutes alone?"

"Five days, twelve hours and..." Maura looks at her watch. "Twenty-two minutes."

"That's five days, twelve hours and twenty-two minutes too long," Jane whispers as their lips meet.

A passionate fire ignites between them. Their kiss deepens as they embrace each other tighter. Jane rotates them and sits on the toilet lid, pulling Maura down to straddle her lap. Maura buries her hands in Jane's long hair as the brunette quickly unbuttons the blond's blouse.

"Jane, we can't," Maura sighs between kisses.

"I know. You are way too classy," Jane teases. "We aren't making love, just making out."

Maura laughs and leans forward to resume their kisses but suddenly grabs her side and hisses.

"What's wrong?"

"Cramp," Maura replies exhaling slowly.

"Are you sick? Did you eat something bad?"

"Just PMS, Jane. I'm fine."

Jane pulls Maura's blouse open and wiggles her eyebrows. "I thought your boobs looked bigger. Do you want to go home?"

"No, they aren't that bad. And I don't want to ruin the celebration. Speaking of which, we need to get back out there. Our friends are waiting for us."

"Our friends are watching the game, getting drunk and flirting with the waitress. Two more minutes, please?" Jane gasps as she notices the front closure of Maura's bra. She reaches up with both hands to open it, giving Maura a big pleading smile.

"Two minutes," Maura whispers as the halves of her bra fall open.

"How sensitive are they?" Jane asks as she gently traces her thumbs across Maura's erect nipples.

Maura gasps and smiles and gently guides Jane's head forward.

Jane teases a pink peak with her tongue, wetting the areola, then softly blows across the tip.

Maura squeals and begins to grind her core against Jane's abdomen.

Jane moves her mouth to the nipple's twin and repeats the process. Her hands slide down to Maura's ass, encouraging the blond to continue thrusting against her.

Suddenly, the outer door to the restroom bangs open and the ladies freeze. Several male voices invade the room.

"Are you sure no one will come in here?"

"Yeah. There are like zero women here tonight. It's a real sausage fest."

"I saw two hot chicks earlier but I think they left."

"Are you sure?"

"Well they aren't out there and they aren't in here."

"Check the stalls before he pees his panties."

Jane slides her hands down Maura's hamstrings to the back of her knees, motioning for the blond to lift her feet. Jane then braces her hands against the stall walls and lifts her feet as well.

"I just don't want to get into trouble."

"Will you relax? It's like a hundred dollar fine. I'll cover it."

"I don't want a record either. My dad is in politics. He'd kill me."

"All the stalls are clear. This one is locked and out of order. So relax. It'll be fine."

Jane and Maura stare at each other in confusion then hear lighters flicking and each man inhaling deeply. The pungent smell of marijuana smoke soon permeates the small space and Maura's jaw drops.

"What do we do?" Maura mouths.

Jane shrugs. "I'm homicide."

Maura shakes her head then starts waving away the invading smoke. They hear a bubbling noise.

"What's that?" Maura mouths again.

"Bong."

Maura looks horrified and Jane suppresses a giggle. The smoke in the room gets even thicker.

Jane's eyes are perfectly level with Maura's boobs. She leans forward and starts licking. When Maura doesn't push her away she begins sucking. Maura starts panting, inhaling deeply, and silently gasping.

After the men have at least three turns on the bong each, they finally leave.

Jane puts her feet down and sucks harder. Maura hugs Jane's head to her chest as her moans grow louder and more intense. Jane pulls the blond's core against her abdomen again, picking up where they left off before the rude interruption.

Jane mumbles, "I love you," against Maura's flesh, moaning as the blond's pelvic thrusts pick up speed. Finally, Maura climaxes. Jane's husky voice laughs as they rest their heads against each other, catching their breath.

"I can't believe you did that," Maura admonishes at last.

"I can't believe you came from that," Jane answers, still chuckling.

"I kind of forgot we were in here."

Jane breaks out into a giggle fit. "Mind go blank, Dr. Isles?"

"Get out."

"What?"

"I actually have to use the facilities."

"Oh, right." Jane helps Maura to her feet and leaves the stall, walking toward the sinks. She turns a faucet handle, running some water to cover the sound of whatever Maura is doing behind the stall door.

Jane starts to play with the water, watching it flow through her fingers. She gets a little lost watching as tiny streams trace the creases of her scarred palm.

"Why didn't you want to arrest those men?"

The disembodied voice startles Jane until she remembers where Maura is. And what she is doing. "Don't talk to me while you change your tampon."

"I haven't actually started yet. I have PMS. Pre-menstrual syndrome, Jane. As in prior or before."

Jane perks up, a smile spreading across her face.

"Hey. My cramps are gone."

Jane starts jumping up and down. "Oh, you're feeling better? That's great. Because...cramps suck."

"I'm thirsty. Extremely thirsty."

"Yeah, I'm sure you worked up quite a thirst there, Maura."

"And I want nachos."

"Really?"

"Yes. Nachos bel Grande."

"From Taco Bell?"

"Yes, I just got a sudden craving. Do you ever get a craving like that? Just picture something in your mind and you have to have it? Like you can't rest until it is in your mouth."

Jane's eyes grow large as she pictures her face between Maura's legs. She nods her head vigorously, licking her lips.

The toilet flushes and Maura emerges from the stall, still righting her clothes.

Jane's eyes travel up and down Maura's body like she is made of cotton candy.

"So why didn't you want to arrest those men, Jane?"

"Um, something about me being homicide," Jane's eyes follow Maura to the sinks where she washes her hands and fixes her appearance. "And I'm...not vice. Marijuana has been decriminalized in Massachusetts, so that hundred dollar fine thing was...he was right about that. And we were in a compromising position. I don't really care if the general public knows that you let me suck your boobies but you were unbuttoned and I didn't want anyone to see them."

"Really?"

"Really. And there would be reports and processing and paperwork. And I'm just tired and hungry and horny and I want to go home."

"Valid reasons, I guess."

"Oh, and they could have had prescriptions. Medical marijuana is legal here."

"All three of them?"

"They could have met at a glaucoma clinic. I don't know."

"This is still a smoke free building."

"That is also a hundred dollar fine and that is still a one person stall."

"I see your point...and did you call my breasts 'boobies', Jane?"

"Boobilicious boobies. So what do you say me, you, your boobies and yum-yum go back to my place?"

"I'm still thirsty."

"I can handle that. I have two bottles of your favorite pinot noir in my fridge." Jane gropes her pockets.

"And I still want nachos."

"I know. We'll stop at Taco Bell. I just can't seem to find my keys."

"That is because they are in my purse."

Jane continues to search her belt. "Or my phone."

"Also in my purse."

"Or my badge?"

"In my purse."

"And my...gun?"

"Purse."

"Really?"

"You made me get a permit to carry, Jane."

"Right. Yeah. I remember."

Maura shakes her head in disbelief.

"Okay, so let's go to Taco Bell and get mi senorita her nachos bel grande. Give me my keys."

"You can't drive, Jane."

"Yes. I can. I have a license. I think it is in your purse. Your bottomless Mary Poppins bag purse."

"No, Jane. I believe we are under the influence of cannabis."

Jane grows somewhat serious. "So, I CAN drive? I just shouldn't? Right now?"

Maura grabs Jane by the shoulders and makes eye contact. "Jane. We. Are. High."

They stare at each other for a moment, their mouths agape. Jane begins to giggle, then to laugh hysterically until she squats on the floor, clutching her abdomen.

"This isn't funny, Jane. We are role models. We give career day speeches at local schools."

"Stop," Jane gasps as she falls to her knees.

"You are a decorated detective at the Boston cop shop place and I am chief queen of autopsies."

"Stop, Maura! You're gonna make me pee!"

"And we fucked in a bathroom stall and got stoned."

"We did NOT fuck, Maura."

"Well, I got fucked. Because I came. And my panties were drenched. I used so much toilet paper. I had to throw them away, Jane. Into the feminine hygiene product receptacle thing."

"The toilet paper?"

"My panties."

"You aren't wearing panties right now?"

"That's what I just said."

Jane knee walks toward Maura and reaches for her zipper.

"What do you think you are doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?"

Maura steps back. "You can't get me wet again, Jane. I can't exactly throw my pants away into the tampon, pad and beyond. And I really want nachos."

Jane's shoulders slump. "So, first nachos?"

"Then cunnilingus."

Jane giggles. "Say it again."

"Cunnilingus."

Jane looks up Maura with sad eyes. "What if we call a cab and order nachos to go from here?"

Maura groans. "Nope, it has to be nachos bel grande from Taco Bell. Any other nachos just wouldn't be right."

Jane sighs. "Okay. We call a cab. Go through Taco Bell drive thru. Then to my place and you can eat your nachos in bed while I om-nom-nom on this sweet thing."

"Like I'd be able to eat with your tongue...I'd choke, Jane."

"Fine." Jane leans forward, resting her forehead against Maura's waist and mumbles. "I know...I miss you too...it feels like seven and fifteen days...but the boss lady says she needs nachos first."

"Are you talking to my vagina, Jane?"

"Do you mind? Private conversation between me and Yum-yum, here."

Maura stares at Jane in amused confusion.

Jane continues her conversation. "Sorry. So half an hour...forty-five minutes tops and I will make us both so very, very happy. I promise."

Maura clears her throat.

Jane exhales slowly and kisses the front of Maura's pants. "Good night. Good night. Parting is such sweet sorrow. That I shall say good night til it be morrow."

"Romeo and Juliet? Really?"

"Some of us need closure, Maura. Because some of us, like you, got to finish. And some of us, like me, didn't."

"Fine. Carry on."

Jane nods, turning her attention back to Maura's crotch, then clears her throat. "Carry on my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest. Don't you cry no more."

Maura shakes her head and giggles. "Kansas? Get up, goofy. The sooner we get out of here the sooner we can be in bed."

Jane quickly hops up as Maura pulls a phone from her purse. "Who ya callin'?"

"Cab."

"Right."

"I can't believe this was the first time I hear you recite poetry and you were talking to my labia."

Jane snorts and reaches for the door knob. Maura grabs her arm, halting her progress.

"Tonight...you are going to fuck me, Jane. And your finely aged whiskey of a voice is going to whisper poetry in my ear while I come."

"Yes, ma'am."

"After I fuck you, of course."

"OK. So, you eat, I eat, you fuck, I fuck?"

Maura nods, repeating the sequence in her head. "Right. Right."

"I don't know why recreational marijuana isn't legal in Massachusetts. I feel fine."

Maura scoffs. "Yeah, you always have conversations with my clitoris."

"Okay, that was a little weird." Jane opens the door, her eyes following Maura's form. "Commando," she whines, shaking her head.

"Put that sign back on the jukebox."

"No."

The door closes behind them.

Jane stomps back in, grabs the sign and stomps back toward the door.

"Whipped," she mumbles. "So whipped."


	2. Rock me, Amadeus

Stalling for Nachos Chapter 2

Jane ponders motherhood and Maura gets the giggles.

R&amp;I R&amp;I R&amp;I

Jane is pushed into the restroom once again, walking backwards as Maura pushes against her chest.

"I got the stupid sign, Maura! You don't have to get so rough."

Maura is looking behind her into the corridor and around the room they just vacated, her eyes darting in a dozen directions.

"Jane, it just occurred to me that we must smell like cannibus."

Jane smelled her own arm and then leaned forward to sniff Maura as well.

"Yeah, we kind of smell like a frat house."

Maura opens the bag hanging from the crook of her arm, sticks a hand inside and begins searching frantically.

"I have some perfume in here that usually covers of the smell of decomp, if I can find it."

"That fruity stuff?"

"Yes. Here it is."

Jane is then spritzed with spray of strong citrus, before Maura turns the bottle on herself.

"I can't walk out there, Jane. Everyone is going to know. They will see my eyes, they will notice my behavior. I can't lie. What do we do?"

"Relax, Maura. I will tell them you don't feel well. You just go stand by the door and wait for the cab. You don't have to talk to anyone."

"Are you sure, Jane? I feel so strange. Part of me is so nervous that everyone will know and part of me just doesn't care. And I don't know what to think."

Jane gathers the blond into her arms and strokes her back softly.

"We'll be fine. Just stay calm."

Maura exhales a shaky breath, returning the hug and then giving Jane a kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you," she whispers.

Jane nods and gives Maura a kiss on the tip of her nose.

"It'll be fine, Maur. Just act normally. Maintain."

Jane opens the door again and watches Maura as she walks away. She stifles a giggle as she hears Maura mumbling "maintain" under her breath.

Jane watches as the blond walks nervously to the front entrance, then the brunette heads over to the jukebox to return the borrowed 'out of order' sign. Mission accomplished, she walks over to their regular booth to say goodby to their friends and colleagues.

"JANE!"

Three voices greet her at various volumes depending on inhebriation.

Jane takes a deep breath and forces a smile.

"Hey, guys. Nina, hi. When did you get here?"

"Just a beer or two ago. Not long."

"I'm really sorry to cut this short then but um, Maura and I are gonna to get going."

"Dude," Frankie whines. "We just got here!" Judging by the empty bottles on the table, they did not just get there.

"Is everything alright?" Korsak asks, between sips of his possibly third beer.

Nina just smiles.

"Yeah, sorry. Maura isn't feeling well. So I'm going to take her home."

"She okay?" her brother asks, beginning to stand and nearly knocking over a few bottles.

"She's fine, Frankie. Sit down. It's just a girl thing. She's okay."

"Are you sure?" Korsak gets a confused look on his face. Like he doesn't quite understand how being a girl could make someone sick.

"I think I have some midol in my bag," Nina offers.

Comprehension dawns on the men with a chorus of 'ohs' and 'ews'.

"Grow up!" Jane groans before turning to Nina. "Thanks for the offer but she does this yoga breathing thing. Besides, she has a pharmacy in her purse if she needs it."

Nina nods in understanding.

"So, we'll see you guys later."

Jane turns to leave, hearing a myriad of get well wishes for Maura and orders to take good care of her. She barely hears the questions: "Did she smell like Maura?" "Did you see the lipstick on her cheek?" "Did you see her dusty knees?" Another chorus of 'ohs' and 'ews' follows her across the room.

Jane grins as she spies Maura waiting by the door, just as the cab pulls up. She opens the door for the blond and follows her outside. She plants a small kiss on Maura's cheek and opens the cab door for her as well. Maura's eyes have a little added sparkle to them and her dimples seem deeper than ever.

Jane begins to feel a bit giddy and leans against the cabbie's window with a mischievous smile. "Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to transport us to two destinations. We are on a quest for nachos bel grande, which yon maiden is demanding in exchange for...well nevermind what it is in exchange for. Once said nachos are acquired, we shall then return to my humble abode. What say you, sir? Do you accept this challenge?"

"Taco Bell and your place. I think I can handle it."

"Then onward, kind sir. To infinity and beyond!"

Jane joins a laughing Maura in the back seat, while the cabbie consults his GPS for the nearest Taco Bell.

"Wanna make out?" Jane asks the giggling doctor, adding an eyebrow wiggle.

"We are not making out in the back of a cab, Jane!"

"Why not? 'Tis a step up from the water closet of yonder pub named for unclean thieves."

Maura cannot stop laughing at Jane's amusing antics. "Still not gonna happen."

Jane looks Maura up and down. Her eyes remain on certain parts of the blond's anatomy longer than others. Then she begins to sway a little and starts to sing.

"Cunnilingus, cunnilingus. Cunnilingus.  
Cunnilingus, cunnilingus. Cunnilingus.  
Cunnilingus, cunnilingus. Oh, oh oh cunnilingus.  
Rock me, cunnilingus!"

Maura is covering her mouth to both cover her shock and to try to stifle her laughter.

Jane gets a far away look on her face as if she is contemplating something of extreme importance.

"What is it?" Maura asks.

"It sounds like a warriors name. Cunnilingus the Great. Or Cunnilingus of Sparta! And he shall defeat Sir Fellatio in an epic battle."

Maura cannot stop the steady stream of giggles coming from her mouth.

"If we ever have a kid, Maur, we should name him Cunnilingus. We can call him Gus until he grows into it. Or Lin for a girl. Or Gus."

"We are not naming our child after a sex act, Jane."

"Oh, don't be like that. I have met a couple of people named Orel. All kinds of B.J.s, too. But it wouldn't be after the sex act. After the warrior. What is that called when a word has more than one meaning? Like a synonym or an antonym. But different, except the same."

"A homonym?"

"Yes! A homo-nym! I should have known that!"

"Cunnilingus is not a homonym for a sex act and a warrior."

"Well, it should be. Submit it to Webster's or Oxford's. They'll listen to you."

"What?"

"People can submit new words or definitions to scary word judges and have them added to dictionaries. I saw it on 'Sam &amp; Kat' or 'Kat &amp; Sam'. I can never remember what order they go in."

Maura shakes her head. "I think an actual warrior has to be named Cunnilingus before a committee would even consider the submission."

"Which is why we should name our kid Cunnilingus, Maura! Set the precedent!"

"Even if we hypothetically named our child Cunnilingus," Maura manages to say between giggles. "There is no guarantee they would grow up to be a warrior, Jane."

"But if we raise them to be-"

"Our child will choose their own career path."

Jane slumps back against the seat, mumbling "Buzzkill."

Maura continues to giggle while repeatedly saying, "No."

"Taco Bell ahead," the cabbie says.

Jane fist pumps the air 'yes'. "How long is the line at the drive thru?"

"One car."

Jane grabs Maura's leg in excitement. "Yes! Let's get two orders of Nachos bels Grandes. I kind of want some too now."


	3. If You Wanna Ride

This is the M. The raunchy M, my friend.

R&amp;I R&amp;I R&amp;I

Maura can't remember exactly how she got to be where she is.

She can recall Jane eating her own nachos in the cab.

She can see herself entering Jane's apartment, scooping salsa, sour cream and cheese onto a nacho, and sliding it into her mouth, then sucking her fingers.

She remembers Jane walking out the door with Jo Friday on a leash, saying she couldn't handle Maura's orgasmic groans.

The memory of stripping off her own clothes, crawling across Jane's bed, cradling her nachos is somewhat vague.

She can clearly recall Jo running into the bedroom, her nose sniffing the air, and her head tilting in the first stage of begging.

Then Jane had entered the room and tilted her head just like her dog, which had made Maura laugh mid-scoop and spill some gooey goodness onto her chest.

After that, the dog was gone, the door was closed, and Jane was licking the remnants of nacho cheese from her cleavage.

Now, Maura is on her knees facing the wall. She is gripping the headboard and her hips are gyrating at a phenomenal pace. She glances down to find chocolate eyes smiling up at her and she can feel herself grinning back.

Jane's tongue is doing amazing things to her. Slipping, sliding. Swirling, twirling.

If Jane is tracing letters or words against her flesh, she has no idea what they say because Maura has forgotten how to spell.

She only knows that those brown eyes are the center of her world, and where Jane's tongue and her body meet is the center of the universe.

Then Jane's tongue is inside her, a most welcome intrusion, invading and infiltrating the most intimate recesses of her body and soul.

She hears squeaking and banging. Someone is praying. Music is playing somewhere but she can't place the song.

None of it matters. All that matters is the feeling and the filling. The sound of Jane's grunts and groans. The grip of Jane's hands on her gluteus maximus encouraging her to grind down.

So she grinds down. It would be rude to refuse.

She rides Jane's mouth like the equestrian she is. Her spine is straight as her breasts bounce and her abs flex. She throws her head back as a moan escapes and a gush of fluid, she can't remember it's name, floods out of her.

She wonders if Jane can breathe. She worries if Jane will drown. So she leans back, revealing all of Jane's face. Jane's wet shiny smiling face, and she hears the deep chuckle that makes her heart metaphorically skip a beat.

Jane is laughing and Maura feels serpentine fingers filling the void Jane's tongue left behind. And as long slender phalanges reach improbable depths, Jane's lips have created a seal against Maura's flesh and said tongue is curled around her clitoris.

Someone is praying again. Praying to Jane. The squeaking and banging grows louder and faster. And Maura knows what is coming next.

If Jane continues thrusting and sucking at this rate, she won't last long. It's Jane's signature move. Her coup de grace that inevitably leads to Maura's petite mort. And she won't be hearing any poetry tonight.

But Maura accepts her fate. Jane gives her so much. She can't be greedy. She feels the need to reciprocate and lets go of the headboard with one hand and reaches behind herself blindly.

Jane has soaked the sheets and Maura marvels at the way the brunette gets off on getting her off.

She sinks two fingers inside and Jane's hips rise up eagerly. Maura tries to keep her thrusts in sync with Jane's. Rhythm never really was her thing, but judging by the writhing of Jane's hips in time with the rotation of her wrist, the blond thinks she is doing okay.

Maura no longer feels as if she is riding a thoroughbred down the homestretch of the Kentucky Derby. But rather a bucking bronco at the rodeo. She hopes she can last longer than 8 seconds.

Maura curls her fingers inside while simultaneously teasing Jane's clit with her thumb. She feels Jane's walls clamp down, milking her fingers and setting off a chain of events that leaves the blond dizzy and dazed.

Jane's orgasm kick starts her own, which prolongs Jane's, extending the blond's and creating a climactic cycle of legendary proportions.

And just when Maura thinks she is going to pass out, she finds herself on her back in the wet spot. Her knees are hanging over Jane's arms and the brunette is still knuckle deep inside her.

Someone is declaring their undying love and devotion to Jane, in faint gasping whispers.

A lone, long finger curls. Softly touching, gently teasing Maura's g-spot. The blond feels Jane's breath against her ear, just as her walls beging to flutter once more.

Jane puts her hips behind long, slow thrusts and Maura hears that voice she loves so much reciting a line of poetry with each and every excruciatingly slow thrust and withdrawal.

By the end of the sonnet, Maura's head is thrashing, her legs are a vice around Jane's body, and her back is arched so tightly she feels like a trebuchet about to launch.

And with a final, tiny tickle and a gruff "I love you... I can't get enough of you," she is gone.

R&amp;I R&amp;I R&amp;I

So are you to my thoughts as food to life,  
Or as sweet-season'd showers are to the ground;  
And for the peace of you I hold such strife  
As 'twixt a miser and his wealth is found.  
Now proud as an enjoyer, and anon  
Doubting the filching age will steal his treasure;  
Now counting best to be with you alone,  
Then better'd that the world may see my pleasure:  
Sometime all full with feasting on your sight,  
And by and by clean starved for a look;  
Possessing or pursuing no delight,  
Save what is had, or must from you be took.  
Thus do I pine and surfeit day by day,  
Or gluttoning on all, or all away

~ Shakespeare, Sonnet LXXV


End file.
